Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
**Let me first state that, unlike the movie, my review is rated R. I’m about to drop the F-bomb. Consider yourselves warned.**
We walk into the darkened theater and find ourselves alone, which immediately makes us giggly and loud. Yes, we’re those girls, but only when there’s no one else in the theater. Mostly. Three trailers in, a single guy makes his way into the theater and sits almost directly behind us. A few minutes later, just before the movie starts a group of three sneaks in and sits down front. Knowing we’re not alone anymore, we try to tone down our behavior.
After making fun of most of the previews, I open my bottle of Dr. Pepper, which I snuck into the theater inside my GIANT purse along with a bottle of A & W Root beer, a bottle of Pepsi and movie-theater sized boxes of Skittles, Reese’s Pieces and Junior Mints.
So, I twist off the cap and hear the tell tale hiss that lets me know, yep, Dr. Pepper just flowed out the top of the bottle and all over my hand. Now, if this were a normal situation – i.e., not surrounded by strangers – my standard cuss phrase of choice is ‘Fuck a whore’. But, mindful of my audience, I manage to sensor myself and whispershout ‘Slap a ho!’ Really? You ask. Yep, really. In the middle of a (not very) crowded movie theater I half shouted ‘Slap a ho!’ And then the movie started.
The opening sequence of Cirque du Freak: The Vampires Assistant is very clever, done mostly with shadows and silhouettes, and segues straight into a lot of stuff about spiders. If you’re squeamish about spiders, like I am, the beginning 20 minutes or so of the movie is very off putting, but once you get passed that first part, the spiders are mostly gone, and what’s left is very tolerable.
In the world of Cirque, there are two different kinds of vampires – those who kill their victims – called Vampanese- and those who do not -called Vampires. There has been a 100-year long tenuous truce between the ‘tribes’ and certain people would be happy to see it broken. These are not your typical vampires. They don’t turn into bats, ‘that’s bullshit’. They don’t fly, they flit, and they have ‘super spit’.
John C. Riley is absolutely WONDERFUL in his role as Crepsley. He is believable as an entirely different breed of vampire. He is a Vampire, one of the original three, ‘the last of the mofreakins’ as they are known. He is serious when need be, scary at times, but always hilarious and always believable. Salma Hayek is amazingly brave and sexy as the bearded woman. Josh Hutcherson as Steve is, at once, pitiable and despicable.
Steve’s counterpart and best friend, Darren, is played by Chris Massoglia. Steve is lovable, sweet loyal, an all around good boy. In order to save the life of his best friend, he agrees to become an assistant to Crepsley, and a half-vampire. They fake his death and Crepsley digs up his coffin; that’s when the fun starts. Massoglia (he was born in Minnesota!!) is believable in the role and every bit as lovable as the character he plays.
After becoming a half-vampire, Darren joins the Cirque du Freak and befriends Evra the snake boy and Rebecca the monkey girl. The cirque includes everything you’d want to see in a real freak show and some you probably haven’t even considered – a wolf boy, Mr. Tall, a sword swallower of epic proportions and a woman who can grow back her own body parts.
The tiny bit of PG13 love story rolled into the plot is adorable and completely worth the wait and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter to avoid a spoiler.
The end of the movie leaves you wanting, almost hanging, and waiting to see what’s going to happen next. It makes you want to see the sequel, but leaves you feeling unsettled, like nothing was really resolved; intentional, I’m sure, in staying true to the book, but it’s still frustrating.
This was a movie that I can definitely see becoming a cult classic along the lines of Rocky Horror Picture Show. The acting was great, the imagery was fantastic (with the exception of Steve’s early attempts at flitting, which was done along the lines of Edward’s ‘super human speed’ in Twilight, but I digress), overall, definitely worth your time and money.
I give it four out of five fangs.
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