A Truly Terrible Tuesday
by SusanAshlea
A lesson in movie reviewing: make sure the movie is at least watchable before, well…watching it.
Or attempting to watch it.
For the first Terrible Tuesday feature, I consulted Netflix. I typed “Vampire Movies” into the search function, and I came upon “Vampire Dentist” and the first Terrible Tuesday feature was born.
Saluki and I sat down to watch this independent feature late Saturday night. We looked forward to a funny, campy film. What we got was in a class of its own.
The premise of the film is this: two guys, Dr. Moe Lars (get it, molars?) and Dr. Pierce Able (get it, pierceable? Funny right? Wrong) try to set up their own dental practice, but because one passed dental school with a D- and the other ran his credit into the ground because of online gaming, they aren’t able to buy a suitable place. So they rent an abandoned warehouse…and actually try to set up a dental practice there. The building has an old couch, plywood partitions, and a rocking chair for the patient to sit in. That was about the point in time that me and Saluki gave each other knowing looks and realized there was no way we could make it through this movie.
The acting is atrocious, but we figured that would happen while we watch the abysmal opening credits. What sealed the deal was the fact that the actors continually broke the fourth wall-no actor worth his/her salt would do that. Heck, no one who had ever been in an elementary school play would have done that. The first thing you learn in any acting medium is that you never break the fourth wall.
The one shot we saw of the vampire, he had paper fangs! Like someone cut them out of poster board.
The music was pretty compelling, meaning compellingly bad. I didn’t realize they still sold the kind of Casio keyboards that scored this piece.
The costumes must have come from a secondhand store, but hey-it’s an independent film so that was no big deal. But the “talent” didn’t even come from somewhere as prestigious as central casting. I think it came from the local high school’s detention list.
After about the first ten minutes, we realized there was nothing to keep us watching this movie. It wasn’t even Mystery Science Theater 3000 material. I think those robots would have sliced their innards apart before sitting through this entire movie. We ended up shutting it off in favor of watching Bill Cosby: Himself, which was the next thing on my Netflix Instant Queue.
So, I guess we got what we bargained for. “Vampire Dentist” was truly terrible. Actually, to say it was terrible is an insult to sub-par movies everywhere. It made “The Blair Witch Project” look like a cinematic masterpiece.
Saluki and I give “Vampire Dentist” a -5 out of 5 fangs, because really, we can’t get those 10 minutes of our lives back. And we want them back.
Badly.
Talk back in the LAIR!
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