More Pappy Dan!
Welcome to Volume 2 of Ask Pappy!
This week’s assignment was for Pappy to read “Dead Until Dark” by Charlaine Harris. But, he was having problems with his homemade whiskey distillery, and didn’t have time to devote to reading the book, so I ordered the first 4 episodes of True Blood on Netflix, so he could watch them. He was running behind, and didn’t start watching the episodes until Monday.
I am conducting this week’s interview in the car. I am traveling north to the Chicagoland area with Pappy, my mom, and my Grandma Stella; we are going to visit my brother, sister-in-law, niece and my sister-in-law’s family for the long Thanksgiving weekend. We are cramped in the car, but I was lucky enough to secure the shotgun position, where I can plug my computer in to the cigarette lighter. I am currently on Vicodin for pain related to gallbladder problems, Mom is driving, Dad might have a flask of homemade whiskey hidden somewhere in his overalls, and Grandma Stella is bat-shit crazy. So, to say we are a motley crew is an understatement.
For this edition of Ask Pappy, we decided to open it up for questions of a personal nature so people could come to Pappy with their problems and get his advice. Without further adieu, here’s Ask Pappy, Volume 2:
Disclaimer: Pappy Dan is an equal opportunity offender. Most anything he says is off the cuff, and under the influence. If you think something in this article might offend you, it probably will. However, if you don’t take yourself, your favorite books, or life in general seriously, then read on. Pappy Dan will be sure to make you laugh!
Dear Pappy: I’m a fangbanger. My vampire boyfriend is a messy eater. What is the best way to get blood out of clothing? –Saluki
Pappy: Oxyclean! Just watch the advertisements, it’ll tell you. But Billy Mays is dead so you might not get the proper information. I am trying to bring him back as a vampire though, so hopefully he can tell you then.
Dear Pappy: I have really done it this time; I’ve gone and fallen in love with a vampire. I tried not to, but I can’t help him. I love him, but my friends think that because he sparkles that he’s gay and I’m going to get hurt. How can I explain to them the whole situation without getting us killed? — Kat in Canada
Pappy: He ain’t a real vampire if he sparkles. He’s just a cheap imitation. And he probably is gay, so you need to move on.
Dear Pappy: My boyfriend turns into a panther every full moon. I really don’t mind because I like panthers…and I like my boyfriend, but after 2 years you’d think he would learn to expect it. But no, he keeps acting surprised when he bursts out of his clothes, leaving shreds of denim and cotton everywhere. I can’t keep up with his habits: I’m almost broke from buying him new clothes. Do you have any ideas for me? – Jules
Pappy: Buy spandex. Hey maybe I could recruit him to my band of night-fighters.
Dear Pappy: My friend is possessed by a demon. I’m going to exorcise it, but need to know what animal I should cast the demon into? I thought about using my dog, but I kind of like him. Any suggestions? –Heather
Pappy: Don’t use the dog. They’re not good for demons. Probably a small chicken, depending on how big the demon is. You might have to use a turkey if it’s a real big demon.
DO NOT use a koala bear. They are just way too cute to have demons in them. Chickens and turkeys are much easier to find. Especially if it’s hunting season, cuz the turkeys stand right next to the road. But if you find yourself needing to use a chicken, the best chicken to use is a Plymouth rock.
And now, for questions about True Blood:
If you could shift into any animal, what would it be and why? –Sarahbella
Pappy: I’d be a were-panther, cuz they are harder to see at night, and I’m a night-fighter. I wear sunglasses and keep my mouth shut.
How do you feel about the way Bill says “Sookie?”
Pappy: Now, which one’s Bill? Oh! Bill, the vampire. I think he kind of sounds like Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line.
Do you have any guesses as to who the murderer is? – Jules
Pappy: I don’t think it’s a vampire. It was too neat, they didn’t chew ‘em up & they had blood left in them. I think it might be the Sherriff’s detective. He kind of appears to be a shitheel to me.
If you could be any of the characters on True Blood, who would it be and why? –Jules
Pappy: I think I’d like to be that Eric, the head vampire at that bar, Fangtasia. He just sits there and tells people what to do & they do it. But then again, I don’t want to be a vampire at all; all they drink is that O- and I like rum & coke way too much. it’s a toss-up between him and that guy who owns the bar.
Grandma: When? Where?
Pappy: The last time you were up here was when we went to Roger’s the last time.
Pappy: But if I was Sam Merlotte, the first thing I’d do is fire that stringy red headed waitress.
Mom: then you’d have to wait tables yourself.
Pappy: I’d hire more of them built like “Suuukie” (says it like Bill)
What do you think about vampire blood being used as a drug in TB? –Jules
Pappy: I think it’s kind of stupid.
Susan: Any reasons behind that?‘
Pappy: Yeah, did you see what happens when you overdose? If I’m gonna have my penis aspirated, it ain’t gonna be in the emergency room.
What do you think about Jason Stackhouse? –Susan
Pappy: I kinda like the boy. He’s…uh…friendly. I see a lot of myself in him.
Have you ever thought about being a fangbanger? -Susan
Pappy: (laughs) No. Wait, well, it just depends on who’s got the fangs.
Susan: Pam?
Mom: She looks kind of old
Pappy: Oh…no, I’m not going for anyone over 100.
If you could be any vampire in the world, who would it be and why? -Kat
Susan: Because there are so many real vamps in this world to choose from.
Pappy: Any vampire? I’d say it’d probably be the head Volturi guy, cuz then I’d straighten out the rest of the vampires.
Mom: I thought the Volturi were wolves?
Pappy: uh, NO
Since I am travelling with my grandma, I am going to give the next question to her: If you were Sookie’s grandma, how would you react to finding out your granddaughter was dating a vampire? –Kat
Grandma Stella: A vampire?…I’d lock my door, I’ll tell ya. Then I’d say “can’t you find something better than that? Something alive?”
Who do you like better: Lafayette or Tara? –Susan
Grandma Stella: look at those clouds, aren’t they funny?
Pappy: That’s really a toss-up. I can’t say. It’s 50/50 either way. But, Lafayette is definitely charismatic. And he’s real good with a knife in the kitchen.
Susan: What about Tara?
Pappy: She’s got a nice figure…and I just love that sassy mouth.
Grandma: you’re supposed to wave at that truck driver, Susan, and they’ll honk their horn.
Pappy: Not one question about Sookie?
Susan: What do you think about Sookie?
Pappy: She sure has come a long way, last time I saw her she was a flat chested 12 year old, flying a goose kite up and down the eastern seaboard, spreading goose shit from Canada down to North Virginia-wait-
Mom: North Virginia? (laughs) Don’t you mean West Dakota?
Grandma: *crickets*
Pappy: I think it’s actually called Delaware. They started out calling it North Virginia and I never got out of the habit.
Grandma: (looking at dad’s book) I wonder if he’s related to George Kunce (the book is by and author named Steven Coontz & George Kunce was a man from our church).
Pappy: They spell the last name differently.
Grandma Stella: How far of a drive is this? about 3 hours?
Mom: No, it’s 5 hours.
Grandma: 5 hours? I thought it was 3, I wouldn’t of come if I knew it was that long.
And that wraps up this edition of Ask Pappy. And I have 4 more hours in the car…don’t you wish you were with me?
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sincerely,
SusanAshlea
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