This week on Ask Pappy, we discuss Dark Lover, book 1 in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series.  There isn’t much in the way of seque for this one, other than to hold on to your hats, because this one is definitely rated R!

Disclaimer: Ask Pappy Dan is strictly satire and should not be taken seriously.  Pappy uses foul language and is an equal opportunity offender.  If you are worried that this interview will offend you, it probably will, and you shouldn’t read any further.  However, if you don’t take yourself, the Black Dagger Brotherhood, or any of your favorite vampire/paranormal books very seriously, read on, because Pappy’s answers are guaranteed to make you laugh.

Q: If Beth was your daughter and she brought Wrath home to meet you, how would you feel about that?

Pappy:  That’s a stupid question! I probably wouldn’t like it. I don’t like guys that hang out in leather bars.

Q: Do you think Wrath’s blindness makes him a better lover?

Pappy: Oh yeah! Feeling is a lot better than looking. You can look at women all day long, but until you start feeling them up, they really don’t understand how you feel about them. That’s why they call them ‘feelings.’  If it had anything do with looks, they’d call it ‘lookings.’

Q:  Dear Pappy: Yesterday I killed a lesser in my living room.  I can’t get oily stain out of my rug & I’ve already tried OxyClean.  What do I do? ~SarahBella

Pappy:  well, personally what I’d do in a situation like that, is I’d make sure the insurance is paid up & torch the house; just get rid of the whole thing.  Just tell the insurance company that there was a undead person that you couldn’t clean up after. So they’ll think you are too crazy to have conspired to burn down your house. They’ll pay you and put you in an insane asylum. Or better yet, make sure your insurance agent is a vampire.

Q: Dear Pappy: lately I have felt under the weather, hungry, and have been dreaming about a very tall, dark haired man with icy eyes.  In my dream I bite his neck.  I’m afraid I might be pre-transition.  The problem is, I can’t find any vampires out there for me to drink from.  Please help me!  I need to know what to do! ~Jules

Pappy:  Masturbate a lot. It’ll take your mind off of everything else. Just make sure to do it by yourself.

Susan: but she’ll die if she doesn’t find a vampire to feed from.

Pappy: but at least she’ll die happy.

Q: Do you know if vampires can go out in the sun?  I really am confused by all the conflicting stories out there.  What are your thoughts on that?

Pappy:  No they can’t.  If they go out in the sun, they burn up and that’s that. These authors need to go with the classic vampires; they can’t go outside during the day. Even if they do wear dark black leather clothes. BUT, if they have a lead shield, it might be alright.

Q: What part of Dark Lover sticks out for you the most?

Pappy: Well, the fuckin! My god, that’s a stupid question. If you’ve got to ask that question, you haven’t read the book, or you don’t have very good reading comprehension. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Q: If you could be any of the brothers, who would you be and why?

Pappy:  I think I’d be Darius

Susan: He dies

Pappy: but he gets to come back and be king

Susan: no he doesn’t

Pappy: He doesn’t? I must have misread that part. In that case I think I’d be Wrath.  He’s the only sonofabitch that does any screwing. Why wouldn’t I want to be him?  Everyone is running around protecting everyone else, but he’s the only one getting any ass. Word that however you want, but that’s basically how I feel.

Q: If you could pick woman, anywhere, to be your shellan, who would it be and why?  Remember, Vampires live for 1000 years or so…

Pappy:  Hmm…I think I’d take Sookie (says it like Bill) cuz she’s just good people.  I was always impressed with the way she helped out them geese & I’ve got a soft spot for animal lovers.

Q: What do you make of Wrath’s blindness?

Pappy: Vin Disel was blind in that movie where he was in space and stuff & he got by alright. I mean Wrath’s got special sunglasses or something, so I think he’ll get by just fine.  Besides he can smell and feel.

Mom: I thought vampires didn’t have afflictions.

Pappy: Oh, this is a whole new batch of vampires.

Mom: They aren’t mean?

Pappy: Noooo, they are good people. They do good, and help each other, and contribute to their various charities and shit like that.

Q: Would you rather be a Brother or a Lesser?

Pappy: Well, hell, I’d rather be a Brother.  I mean “lesser” what does that say? Who wants to be “less”?  I don’t want to be “less” than anything.  But sheesh, I’m just happy being human.  I wouldn’t want to be a lesser unless I could like, sleep with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If I could shack up with her that would be okay, but she’s probably getting a little old. I guess I’ll have to stick with Sookie. (again, he says it like Bill)

Q: What would you like to do to Billy Riddle if you had the chance?  Do you think he got what he deserved?

Pappy: I would yank his tongue out through his asshole and split it two and tie it around his ears. Then, I would pull his scrotum up over the top of his head. After that, I would hit him so hard he would have to roll down his socks to shit. That pretty well wraps it up.  Let Wrath top THAT.

Q: Can we look forward to more Ask Pappy’s about the Black Dagger Brotherhood?

Pappy:  Well there are a lot of books to read. I can’t confine myself to one particular series.

Susan: Each book is about a different brother

Pappy: Well, maybe as time allows I’ll read each of these literary masterpieces. But you know the Christmas season is coming up, and I have cats I have take care of. I’m also going to be spending a lot of time on the still, trying to make some holiday cheer.

Q: What do you think of the way Butch has seemingly assimilated with the Brotherhood?

Pappy:  Well, I can see what they are doing. They need a normal guy in there. All these vampire books have someone in there that is kind of normal.  Like Sookie with Bill, and Bella hanging with the vampires. So Butch is like the “token human.”

Q: Do you think Wrath & Beth rushed their relationship, time-wise.

A: Not at all. He laid the wood to her, they both liked it. They kind of got into a situation where he had to oversee her transition & neither one of them had a choice. Wrath needed someone to settle him down, anyways. Plus, Beth has a nice ass.

Q:  Any other comments?

Pappy: I think they are a cool bunch of guys. I just wish one of them would throw the Scribe Virgin down and put the wood to her. That’s all.

And there you have it, Pappy Dan’s thoughts about Dark Lover.  But don’t let the tough, icy demeanor fool you.  He really did like the book.  He told me so!

Tune in next time for the Christmas edition of Ask Pappy, when we discuss The Vampire Diaries.