Wicked Wednesday, PG-13 style
Today’s Wicked Wednesday feature is brought to you by the letters P and G, and the number 13.
Sirenastarot is taking a break, so I, SusanAshlea, PG-13 writer, am writing this week’s column. What in the world is a PG-13 writer doing writing a column about lemons? Well, I wanted to tell you my story:
My name is Susan, and I cannot write lemons.
I can’t do it. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. I get stressed out writing a tongue-kiss. I get the sweats when I think about typing the phrases “womanly folds” and “throbbing members.” And don’t even get me started on how hard it is for me to type the names one would call a man’s extra appendage!
When I discovered fan fiction last January, I was pretty naïve about what all it entailed. That was even before someone introduced me to lemons. For a couple of months, I didn’t even know what “lemons” meant. All of those summaries on Twilighted bewildered me with people talking about various fruits of the citrus variety…I finally broke down and asked someone, “WTF is a lemon?”
Well, after I was told I started seeking them out. I started out with “missing moments” of the Saga, in the form of Warmth by Katiebelle. WOWZA! I was shocked! I was speechless! I was…addicted!
After reading several masterpieces (Through Your Eyes, When Darkness Turns to Light, and Luniere are probably my top 3 all time faves), I thought to myself: “I can do this!” I had the idea for Supernova, a Post BD, canon continuation of the Saga and decided to go with it. I didn’t run up against a creative brick wall until I got to the first scene that called for Eddie/Bella schmexin.
Naturally, I turned to my master beta, Saluki (aka Saluki168) for help. She tried her best to convince me I could do it myself, but in the end, she didn’t get to edit my first lines of lemons. What she got was a chapter that, halfway through, had brackets that looked like this:
[300 words of Edward and Bella getting it on in the cottage while Nessie is gone]
And it was like magic: I’d get it back with a miniature lime in the place where the brackets used to be.
After I finished Supernova, I directed my attention to Finding Forever and by then, I’d given up completely and faced the music: I was a PG-13 writer. When Sirenastarot suggested the idea of what later became Wicked Wednesday, I wanted to take part because I’m a review whore and I want people to read my story. I decided to write an outtake and I did great…until it came time for the actual lemon to start. I had no problem as I described the disrobing portion of the outtake, but when it came time to talk about pert nipples and straining erections, I turned to Saluki for more help. She ended up sending me a template, with all of the awkward words and phrases already spelled out. To be fair, I did enough editing and changing and rewriting that I’m confident putting it under my author name (with major props and thanks to Saluki, of course-I couldn’t have done it without her). And in the end, I was really excited to have finished it. I was proud of it. I was ready to share it with the world and bask in my reviews, and hopefully lead people to the parent story from whence the outtake came.
As of right now, I’ve had 40 reads on the outtake and 8 reviews.
That’s only a little frustrating. I worked really hard to overcome my issues with writing lemons, only to have a handful of people read and review. And those reviews are all my personal friends, who all read the parent story anyway.
So, what is it about lemons? Why is it that no one will read a story unless it’s got NC-17 in front of it? Why won’t people give a good story a chance, just because there isn’t any sex in it? Aren’t we all here to expand our writing skills and encourage each other? Isn’t the whole point of the Twilight fan fiction community to inspire creativity of all kinds? Why won’t people pay attention to the PG-13s of the world?
In the end, I’m content to simply read the lemons and not stress myself about writing them. Maybe one day I’ll get over my issues with the work “cock” and get on with things; but for now I have to stick to what I know, which is sex-free tongue-kissing.
Mac on the other hand, is a lemon master! Her story Sugar Plums is this week’s Wicked Wednesday feature. I had the pleasure of chatting with Mac last night, in which we talked about a little bit of everything and didn’t always stay on pointe. Thank goodness Jules sent her some pre-typed questions, which Mac was kind enough to answer. Between those questions and our chat, I think you’ll enjoy what Mac had to say…
Susan: I have a date to do a drunk WC tomorrow night. I’m trying to broaden my horizons and write lemon
Mac: Getting drunk is a good start. I usually get a little tipsy to write the lemons in Love Park. It helps.
Susan: what’s funny about tomorrow’s Wicked Wednesday is that I don’t write lemons. So I am writing a blog about writing lemons, from the perspective of someone who doesn’t write lemons
Mac: Well, that’s a good thing… everyone has to start somewhere.
Susan: Did you ever have a time when you couldn’t write lemons?
Mac: No. I mean, I just sort of dove in and tried it. It was three chapters long, so a bit on the excessive side. Doh!
I think a good beginner’s exercise is just to write out your last seual experience. It’s easier than trying to describe the experience of an imaginery charachter, right?
Susan: well, if you’re going to be a bear, be a Grizzly bear, I always say. So, how did you end up writing fan fiction?
Mac: Earlier this year I was, um, downsized at work. I had an enormous amount of free time on my hands, and – rather than rob a bank or do something silly like clean the house incessantly – I started reading Twilight fanfiction. I had just read all the Twilight books a few weeks before being shitcanned, so I was in the midst of my post-Breaking Dawn withdrawal. After a few weeks, I started coming up with my own ideas… and writing certainly took up more time than reading. Even though I’m back to work, I find myself writing more than ever.
Susan: what was your first story, and how did you get the idea?
Mac: Things That Go Bump in the Night. I was looking at photos one day of a visit to Fort Mifflin and thought it might be fun to make Bella and Edward meet there, involve some of the supernatural history stuff I know about the place, and move the story on from there.
Susan: it’s such a cute story! I confess I’ve only read the first few chapters before life went crazy on me. I loved every minute of it, though.
Mac: Oh thanks! It was fun to write, and I consider it a major accomplishment that I finished it. Sometimes I think about going back through and re-editing. I think I’ve learned some things since my first story. At least I hope I have!
Susan: I feel the same way. I hate my first fic, but I’m extremely attached to the one I’m working on now. You said you read the occasional non-lemony fan fic. What is your favorite in that category?
Mac: Change of Heart by LuvCullens, I think. It’s a fun little fic. There hasn’t been much schmexin’ in Breathe Again, by ysar either. It’s pretty innocent.
Susan: I’m such a prude sometimes. But my WC peeps are bringing the sexy out of me.
Mac: Everyone ends up worshiping at the lemon altar one way or the other.
Susan: I like to read it, I’m not gonna lie.
Mac: There’s something to be said for some good sexing!
Susan: were you embarrassed the first time you wrote a lemon, or did you absolutely love it?
Mac: Neither. I’m so anal compulsive the only thing I was concerned about what making it realistic. So I’m too OCD to actually enjoy it, but too focused to be embarrassed.
Susan: You seem to have a way with lemons, what advice would you give to someone writing one for the first time?
Mac: Aw, thanks! I am a beta editor for Project Team Beta, and one of the pieces of advice I give is to forget anything you might have read in a fanfic or romance novel. Tongues do not beg for entrance, nor do people grant tongues entrance. Virgin girls do not magically turn into porn stars with the introduction of dick. Vaginas do not normally drip arousal down the thighs (and if yours does, get thee to a gynecologist STAT, because that shit just doesn’t sound healthy). And for the love of dog, do not ever use the word ‘core’ to describe a vagina.
There are certain phrases and descriptions that seem to be used over and over in lemons. People who are nervous about writing scenes of the citrusy variety go out and mimic the scenes in their favorite lemony stories. As a result, many lemons tend to be sound the same. Everyone can come on command, or come at the same time as their partner, and there’s all this business with “mine.” Dare to bring something new to your scene – be original. If Bella farts during sex, don’t be afraid to say so, rather than dressing it up in romantic, flowery language. I prefer realistic sex to idealized sex any day of the week.
My first lemon was in Things That Go Bump in the Night, and I think it’s pretty obvious – it’s three freaking chapters long. While I wouldn’t say that it exactly goes awry, it’s not my best work, for sure. I’ve learned to edit a bit better.
Oh, and of course: write what you know. There’s nothing worse than someone who has never given a blow job writing about giving head.
Sorry this is long – I’m opinionated. Doh!
Susan: So, tell us a little bit about the story you wrote for today’s feature.
Mac: When I was scheduled for WW for Dec 23, I figured I had to do something holiday-ish. Initially I was going to write an Emmett/Alice lemon, and it was going to be kind of funny. But then my writing partner for Ultio sent me the photo I used for the banner (have you seen it?), and I was compelled to turn it into an angsty Bella/Edward story.
Susan: I have seen Ultio and it comes highly recommended by your validation beta. I swear it’s on my list of stuff to read. I wish I were a vamp so I didn’t need to sleep.
Mac: Be forwarned about Ultio – it’s so not for everyone.
Susan: I’m not easily offended. Oddly enough, I can’t write smut.
Mac: So far no one has called either of us psychos, but I believe the word ‘unhinged’ has been thrown around.
Susan: not everything can be B/E tiptoeing through the tulips.
Mac: This is true. But in the chapter we posted most recently, Edward dismembered Billy’s wife and forced him to clean up the blood-soaked house, and Charlie stole ‘ludes from the police station. Good times!
Susan: Sounds like a sunday at my place. ;-) I am going to introduce Pappy Dan lemons for the next edition of Ask Pappy. Do you have any suggestions for Pappy Dan’s first foray into the land of lemons?
Mac: Oh dude. You could go whole hog and make him read Master of the Universe. Are you reading that? BDSM fics are all pretty much the same, but I like her Edward very much.
Susan: I have not read that, but a friend of mine always lets me know when it’s updated. I’m putting that on the list.
Susan: I’m stealing this question from SarahBella: If you could chose one fan fiction to read over and over, what would it be?
Mac: Poughkeepsie. Hands down. I never wanted to read it because the summary made it sound so bizarre, but I love that fic to death. MrstheKing’s Emmett is my all time favorite.
Susan: I LOVE Poughkeepsie! Do you listen to music when you write?
Mac: Sometimes. 22blue and I have been making a playlist appropriate for writing Ultio, all filled with angsty, dark music. Other than that, sometimes I listen to music when I write lemons. I prefer Prince, circa Dirty Mind.
Susan: Prince is great for sexy time. As someone who has problems writing lemons, I find that sexy music gets me in the right frame of mind to at least try. Do you have any suggestions, other than Prince, for music that might help out in that regard?
Mac: Lords of Acid is particularly filthy. Early Nine Inch Nails also does it for me. The entire Pretty Hate Machine album is liquid sex. I have Rough Sex on a mixed CD I keep in my car. It makes the commute bearable.
Susan: This is Sirenastarot’s question that she asks everyone. Out of any fandom, name your three favorite vampires.
Mac: Spike (BtVS), Emmett (Twilight), and Michael (Underworld ).
Susan: Now of those three, which one would you marry, fuck and kill?
Mac: I’d like to get bent over a couch by any of them, for sure. But, let’s see…. I would fuck Spike (a lot), kill Michael (the black skin is creepy), and marry Emmett (because I have a giant thing for Kellan Lutz and I prefer the men for my long-term relationships less angsty than Edward. There’s also the issue of Emmett being able to destroy houses with the strength of his thrusts. Yes, please).
And there you have it, folks! Make sure to read Mac’s WW submission, Sugar Plums, by clicking here: http://myvampfiction.com/dungeon/viewstory.php?sid=218&warning=5
And don’t forget that review button!
Keep a close eye on next week, when Devy_Artemis joins the Wicked Wednesday fold!
Also, make sure to comment below and let us know what you think…we are comment whores around here and we can’t get enough of them!
I think this ROCKS. Many kudos to you!
Your premise about why folks write/read fanfic might be a bit off, though. A LOT of people read fanfic to find their fave characters doing something they weren’t ALLOWED to do in the Saga. Like have sex. Yeah.
Me, I’m in it for the story. Too often, purveyors of citrus are there just to make lemonade, not tell a good story.
Of course…in my favorites listing…there is a healthy dose of lemon…
I am really glad you wrote an article. :D
-sandyquill
I enjoy lemons when they fit. What I get really tired of reading is gratuitous sex, a scene thrown in just to make a story more “exciting”. And I want to know where these men are who can make a girl cum the minute he whispers her name or puts his fingers on her “womanly folds” (to steal Sue’s funny term!). And what is up with all the tandem orgasms anyway? Is that fallacy still alive?
Sue, the lemon in Finding Forever outtake was amazing, because it fit the story, was a natural progression in their relationship. Great article, Mac and Sue! Thanks for the insight!
Jules, you’ll appreciate my NIN story. So… I was a freshman in college in 1990, just about the time PHM came out. My roomies and I trekked to this total shithole in Trenton, NJ to see the NIN show. I think it was the three of us and maybe 50 other people. Small joint. The stage was basically Trent, his computer equipment, and a chain link fence. So Trent starts climbing the fence in the middle of some song and cuts his hand. He’s bleeding all over the damn place. My friend Kathleen (who is now a professional dominatrix, by the way) to this day has the tshirt she wore that night because it’s just covered in Trent’s blood. Hilariously fun show.
Saluki – I won’t hate on you for using ‘core.’ *grin* I just have a lot of personal pet peeves when it comes to lemons because I’m insanely OCD. It’s probably what makes me a good beta editor. Hah!
Oh, I forgot to say Sue, I think you will get there, but I also think there is something to be said for non-lemon-centric stories, you are a beautiful writer and there are plenty of people that can appreciate that and forget about getting their girly bits all worked up.
;)
Writing your first lemon can be so intimidating (as well as liberating) and I find that I often used metaphors to describe certain situations on my first attempt. I guess my first lemons were more limey. And Sue, I so had to look up what a lemon was when I first discovered fan fic (isn’t Google amazing?)
Mac…the more I know about you the more I love you…seriously. Nine Inch Nails? PHM is one of my all time favorites.
And I’m so thankful that someone finally took care of Spike rather than killing him off. He so needed the lovin’
Loved your take on writing lemons from the perspective of someone who can’t write them. I think you will be able to venture out on your own one of these days without my [insert smut here] additions to your wonderful fics.
I agree with everything Mac said about being original and realistic, althought I do think I’ve used the word “core” before. I guess I need to strike that one out of my smut vocabulary. Take her advice and you’ll be writing steamy lemons in no time!