I think I’m just going to keep on with the topic of Twilight. A few reasons for that. First, because it really does seem that it’s what people want to read about, but also because it’s just so easy to find things to discuss about it. Being the pop culture phenomenon of the day, it’s got so many possibilities for discussions.

But also, and I mean this with love, I am so, so tired of Twilight in some ways. It isn’t that I don’t love it. I do. Enough that I’ve read all the books eight times, and all those eight times in the first four months I owned the series. I really love Twilight, but there is so much more out there that no one seems to ever want to talk about and I’d just love to have an intelligent conversation about some other series.

So what is this “sacred cow” of which I speak? Edward and Bella, of course. They are the untouchable couple in a lot of fans’ eyes. Unless of course you’re Team Jacob, then it would be Jacob and Bella, but Edward and Bella are a special pair and to speak ill of them is to offend the very core of Twilight, isn’t it? That obviously means I’m going to be critical of them, because it’s what I do. Mouth off. But also I hope the things I say make some people look at things just a little differently, with a different idea in mind.

What is it about Edward and Bella that have girls and women swooning? I have to admit right up front that I used to refer to Edward as “my Edward”, but I do have this weird talent for separating my emotion from my practical side, and it has often confounded me why I have found him so damn attractive. Oh, and I mean Edward, not Rob Pattinson. As yummy as many find him – with good reason, Rob is a tad young for me and he is most definitely not MY Edward. So when I refer to Edward, I mean the book’s Edward. And that is the character I’m going to metaphorically slaughter tonight.

Edward is a pain in the ass. He hovered over Bella every minute of her existence. He watched her when she slept. He watched her from his car. She had no time alone that he didn’t feel a need to be aware of her every breath. I know a lot of women find that to be very romantic. I find it very creepy. Sure, on the surface, it seems sweet and sappy and oh, wow, he must love her so much to want her that close to him. I had a boyfriend in high school who followed me around. I put up with it for about a week before I screamed at him as I walked out of the bathroom and found him waiting for me yet again. I like a little space, a lot of privacy, and having a man, no matter how much I love him, up my ass at all times, well, that’s not my idea of fun.

Dig a little deeper and you find this is a behavior of many abusive men (not that I’m insinuating Edward is abusive at all). My degree is in psychology. I studied domestic violence extensively, and one of the common traits of men who abuse is to know every move their female makes, and abused women usually say they found the attention endearing at first. What concerns me about this fact is there might be an entire generation of young women who won’t recognize pathological possessiveness for what it is until it’s too late. Because they want their Edward and isn’t that kind of obsessive behavior just like him? I don’t think this is Twilight’s “fault”, but it is something I thought a lot about after I read the books.

There was always a threat of violence, too, which is disturbing on its own. Like nothing says love like a man admitting he’s thinking about eating me (and not in the warm and fuzzy, feel good way). Edward talked about how he struggled not to kill Bella and she just looked at him lovingly and said “I’m not afraid.” She needs a mother, don’t you think? Someone to slap her upside the head and say “YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID!!” But again, our culture romanticizes the bad boy, and a little danger is a sexy thing, which is absolutely insane. The person you love shouldn’t think about killing you, at least not until you’ve been married for about five years and can’t stand the sight of his sleeping body lying on the pillow next to you and you fantasize about holding that pillow over his peaceful face until he stops struggling and then you can roll over and fall asleep knowing there won’t be someone snoring in your ear at 3 o’clock in the morning. And even then you never tell the person you love about your twisted fantasy. But I digress. Being in danger to be with the person you love should not be a goal.

And let’s talk about the fact that he had her kidnapped “for her own good”. Who does stuff like that? And why would she have been okay with it? I know she was mad for a little bit, but then she just caved when he came back, which was terribly anticlimactic for me. I think they should have had a rousing fight that ended with her telling him to piss off and die again. It is not okay for men to treat women like little kids. Dangerous precedent and another one of those warning signs in relationships that now girls might miss altogether because, sigh … Edward treated Bella that way and that must prove her boyfriend loves her the same way Edward loved Bella. No, no, no. We are adults and when men treat us like we can’t be trusted with our own safety, it is degrading and dangerous. It harkens back to the 70s, when men had to give permission when their wives wanted tubal ligation surgery. We aren’t property. We aren’t children, unless we’re children, but then we wouldn’t be called women, so never mind. My point is girls should not be encouraged to give up their independence for love. Gah!

Don’t even get me started on how uptight Edward is. There was more than one time when I thought he could use an enema to help dislodge the stick he had up his butt. Not to mention the whole “lost my soul” kick he was on, and how he didn’t want to be a monster, even though every behavior he exhibited proved that he was anything but a monster. Gods, dude, get over your bad self already. So you’re a vampire. So what? Look for that silver lining. Super strength, beauty, speed, agility, and all of it lasting forever? That is a really bright and shiny silver lining. Sterling even. One hundred years of angst is about 90 years too many.

So if I think there is so much wrong with Edward, why did I become so infatuated with him? Maybe because I’m a sick puppy. Okay, so I’m definitely a sick puppy, but I don’t think that’s why. I really think he’s a great fantasy. Because with the fantasy one never has to face the realities of a life with a man like Edward. I’ve joked with a few of my friends that if they let me have him for one week a month, I’d be happy to share him out the other three because I honestly think I could only deal with his nonsense for about seven days before I’d be ready to feed him to the wolves. But the fantasy is a good one. To be adored. To be everything to someone else. It’s a great romantic notion, but I think the reality of it would suck.

If you want to tell me why I’m wrong, do it in the comments or come to the lair and tell me what you think!