Jan 29 2010
When real life and fan fiction collide
Today’s post by lexiecullen17 is about a very sensitive subject. I (Saluki) give her so much credit for writing the post, because I know there are many women who wouldn’t have the courage to share such a personal story with the world. However, I know that because of her courage, there are other women who are not going to feel so alone. I think I can speak for all of the girls at MVF when I say that you are an amazingly strong woman and we are proud to call you our friend.
Today’s entry deals with sensitive topics such as sex, sexual assualt, and the aftermath of rape. Please don’t read if you are sensitive to these topics.
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to write this week. As a self-proclaimed fic h00r, I knew that I wanted to talk about my favorite fics, but…I had no idea where to jump in.
I’ve decided to broach a rather somber topic, and for this, I apologize in advance. It’s not my intent to upset anyone or ruffle any feathers—I just have a bit to say, and I want to know what everyone else’s opinions are, too.
When I first started reading fan fiction, I steered clear of every store that dealt with rape or abuse. I’d start a story, only to find out that Bella had been raped or sexually assaulted, and I would peace the fuck out, never looking back. I threw myself into every other genre—mystery, suspense, fluff, action—literally anything I could sink my teeth into (*ha ha*), but if there was any mention of rape whatsoever, I’d abandon it in 1.3 seconds flat.
Many of you would ask, why? Or maybe you wouldn’t—after all, rape is a sensitive issue for many people and my abhorrence for the topic probably wouldn’t be questioned. However, I’m using this entry today as a springboard for discussion and therefore, I’ll tell you why.
I’m now closing in on the two-year (ugh, I’m cringing writing this and I apologize for the word) anniversary of my own rape. I don’t feel particularly inclined to get into the details, and I’m sure none of you really want to hear that anyway. I’m not going to write you a scene, but I suppose I can paint you a picture. All that I really need to say is that my close friend’s 21st birthday party got a little out of hand, and when I found myself being pinned to the parking lot of the fraternity next door by her older step-brother, I was helpless to stop it.
I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this right now, especially when as of this past August, only two other people besides me knew this occurred—one was the boy who did it (and called the next morning to “see if I was okay”) and the other was my roommate who took me to the rape clinic the next morning. No, I didn’t report it. No, I didn’t tell my friend what happened. No…I just closed myself off to the world and immersed myself in reading and writing, imagining worlds where boys were perfectly respectful and true love conquered all.
The fact of the matter is that before this experience, I’d only had one experience with sex—typical girl loses virginity at a party story, and I swore to myself that the next time I had sex, it would be with someone I loved. So, when that decision was ultimately taken from me, I pretty much retreated into myself. And it’s been nearly two years since I’ve let a boy anywhere near me.
Which brings me to my ultimate point.
I’m not really sure why or how it happened, but I somehow stumbled this past summer on the fic Failure To Thrive by Julesnerd. The story is about a sexually traumatized Bella who goes to a sexual therapist in an attempt to regain the ability to be around boys again. Enter Edward, the exact opposite—an insatiable sex addict, who also needs some help in that area. This fic sucked me in from the very first chapter, simply because as I was reading it I kept thinking to myself: this is me…this is what my life is like…oh God, I’m going to be 40 an only have had sex once the way I’m going now…
I actually wrote to the author, telling her about my story and asking if she had gone through something similar. The aftermath of rape has such a visceral, emotional response that I felt like she must have experienced something similar in order to write it so perfectly. But, you can’t just go around asking authors if they’ve been raped—how awkward/inappropriate is that conversation?
And it’s also completely ridiculous. Why should someone have to have dealt with rape in order to write it eloquently? I’ve been told that I write delicious lemons (self pimp, see: Off Limits), and…well…I just bared my complete sexual history (or lack thereof) for you all to see. So, clearly it isn’t necessary to have experienced something to write it well.
Still, I couldn’t get over it. I needed to know what else was out there, and I suddenly immersed myself in fanfics that dealt with the aftermath of sexual trauma and rape.
My favorite fic that deals with this topic is Geek Love by sassenachwench. The summary is as follows:
Edward and Bella are web geeks, friends, and colleagues. He kicks ass at code, she kicks ass at Nerf wars.
A serious case of social retardation prevents Edward from going after the woman of his dreams. Can Edward overcome his inability to communicate in order to help Bella, whose dark past threatens her future happiness.
Humor, healing, romance, and rampant geekitude collide in this Edward & Bella love story.
I dug in, not knowing where it would lead, only knowing that as a self-proclaimed nerd, it sounded like a good, witty fic (plus I super puffy heart sassenachwench). And honestly, when I found out **Spoiler Alert** at the end of chapter eight (or so) that Bella had been raped, for the first time I didn’t run.
Instead, I came out of my head. Rape can be a very isolating experience—you feel like no one else can understand and you hope they never will have to understand—but this fic made me realize that I don’t have to be alone. Maybe I don’t have to push guys away. Maybe I could even let someone in. For the first time, it gave me hope that there could be an Edward out there for me—someone who I will trust enough to finally give myself to…by my own choice. In the culmination of the story, when Bella and Edward finally sleep with each other, Edward insists that Bella be on top – to control it. But Bella fights him on it and requests that he be on top of her, feeling his weight…as she’d always imagined.
It was that scene specifically that gave me the courage to come out of the closet, so to speak. I’m pretty much a huge asshole lurker, so I never worked up the courage to come out and tell sassenachwench how much I appreciated her story and how much it actually effected me, and this is my way of thanking her (and everyone else who has created brilliant words that have helped me on my process of healing).
I am sure there are many authors and readers alike who have dealt with experiences similar to mine. And I’m not suggesting that people start raising their hands and following my lead. Obviously, that’s not a likely reaction this.
I guess what I really wanted to ask was – I know why I read fics that deal with the aftermath of rape…why do you?
22 Responses to “When real life and fan fiction collide”
Wow, Lex, that’s really an amazing story, in an awful, sorry-you-can-write-it kind of way. Speaking out is a good step in healing, especially since the shame of rape should never lie with the victim. The rapist is the one who should be ashamed – not you.
I don’t read stories that deal with the aftermath of rape. While I’ve never been raped, I have counseled more than one friend afterward. I think writing about rape and healing from it is very positive, but I just can’t be in that world fictionally. I read to escape and relax, not to be bombarded with real world issues that I’ve had to clean up after in my life. I don’t read a lot of topics because of that.
I can’t imagine the fear you must have felt when you were writing and posting this. I know it’s nothing compared to the actual experience, but, well, there is no but. I just can’t even imagine. I’m so glad you shared, and I hope that some of the fiction that deals with this subject can help lead others to healing. {{{HUGS}}}
This post really affected me. I don’t want to go into the details here, but thanks for being brave enough to talk about it.
I love you so much! Thanks for all you do. =)
First of all, bravo for your courage in speaking up and telling this story to people who are somewhat strangers *round of applause*
Secondly, I myself have never been raped, but my step-mom has been when she was a teen. She was also in an abusive marriage that she thankfully got out of. She still has trouble at times with going to certain places in town near where he lives and also has trouble with huge crowds when she’s by herself, but she has gotten a lot better over time and says that finding and marrying my dad really helped.
Personally, I dealt with bouts of depression and I guess flirted with self-harm (the only way I can think to describe it) and on several occassions had contemplated suicide. Writing characters who also dealt with those issues and did those things actually help me out, since I tend to just bottle shit up and not speak about it. So writing it in a fic was a way to get it all out there and not keep it inside where it would just build and build until it became unhealthy and I did something that would hurt myself or my family. Writing was sort of like a free therapy and I don’t have to deal with the embarassment of saying it to someone who is only listening because they’re getting paid to.
Anyway, that’s kinda my lil story and once again, even though I don’t really know you, I’m proud that you had the balls (so to speak) to tell us that. *more applause*
Lex, I want to thank you for writing this.
Of course, I sit here crying…well sobbing, not literally knowing where to begin.
I’ve never been raped or sexual assualted but I was the first person my sister came to when she was.
I was the one holding her hand when she took a pregnancy test.
The one sobbing with her when two pink lines appeared.
The one that drove her to the clinic and nursed her back to health after an abortion.
I’ve never been through it first hand but I’m pretty certain I’m as close to first hand as possible.
I love you dear, you are strong and vibrant and you deserve a life full of love…and really good sex.
xoxox.
thank you so much – in the past hour alone, ive received so much love and support. i’m completely overwhelmed and blown away. my love for the fandom continues to grow, and i really thank everyone who has let me know that they appreciate my words.
First of all, I think you’re very brave for sharing this with everyone.
Second of all, I know this completely misses the point of what you’re trying to accomplish – But my first thought as I was reading this was to feel horror over the idea that this guy is still (possibly) walking around out there & doing it to other women who are ashamed to speak out.
I look at my innocent, 3-year-old son and think, what posseses men to grow up to commit such atrocities? Do they somehow not think it’s wrong? Do they simply not have a conscience? How? Wow?
I’ll never understand some human behaviors.
Um, anyway, I’ve never read any Twific stories dealing with rape, but rapefics in the Harry Potter community are very popular – stories that actually romanticize rape and quasi-consent. Disgusting, right?
-Kari
Thanks to everyone who has commented and given lexiecullen support. It was so brave to come out and discuss and intensely personal thing. It is also brave that you all left comments with your own stories.
Thanks again!
kari – it’s stuff like that that kept me away from rapefic in the first place … how do people get it in their heads that being raped can somehow lead to great love? it just…can’t.
i’m sorry that this guy is still out there…i really am. he’s a very high profile businessman from super powerful family, and i’m sure that has a lot to do with it. obviously, i can’t sit here and claim to know what made him to what he did, but i do know that reporting him and maybe bringing him to court would have created a media spectacle that i’m still not ready to cope with.
It’s easy for me to be funny and kid around most of the time because I’d like to think that that’s the kind of personality that I have and I am told that I do. But if that is true then it is only through the hard work, healing, love, and support of friends, family, and others that I came to be that way.
Not getting into it, I will say that at one point I felt like I had lost a part of myself, and that I’d never be able to get back to that loving, funny person that I used to be. I did though, and what helped me most of all was the stories, fiction and personal, that many women would share. Some let me know that I was not alone, and some gave me hope that I could get past it and find myself again. After a long while (with lots of healing)I truly feel that I have and maybe I’m not the same as I once was… maybe I am a little bit different than before… but I am better… I am stronger.
So I want to thank you for posting this because, you might not know it or feel it now, but it will be a beacon for someone, somewhere… much as the stories I read where beacons for me. It takes courage to post something like this, it takes courage to write your own accounts into your stories and for that I praise you, as many others will too.
Thank you, for so much more.
There are no words for how touched and heartbroken and encouraged I was hearing your story. It takes real guts to bare your soul, especially in a community that isn’t always supportive.
Like many, i have never been in a situation like yours, but my dear friend has, and watching her suffer through many of the same things you have has been heartbreaking. It’s stories like yours that help bring healing and hope.
Thank you for sharing and for having the courage to do so. I love you and think you are amazing!
You are a very brave lady, thank you for sharing your story with us.
Wow Lex…just WOW.
I commend you for having the courage to bring up such a sensitive and personal subject.
Everyone has a story or knows someone that can relate to this difficult topic. I have not been raped, though during Freshman orientation weekend at my college a boy attempted to force himself at me while spitting the words, “Your are so ugly this is the only way you are ever going to get any any other way.” I was so hurt and demeaned by this virtual stranger that I started sobbing as he pinned me down. Fortunately my roommate and friend was walking by and she heard my cries, came in and thwarted the attempt. I can’t imagine how much more intense the feelings would have been had he been successful.
It is for this reason I avoid fics dealing with rape or sexual assault all together, though now, thanks to you, I have a fresh perspective and might be willing to give a fic covering this subject manner another shot.
You are amazing, incredible and beautiful – don’t ever forget that girlie.
xoxo
Jules
i know i keep coming back to say thank you – but really, guys – i can’t even begin to express my gratitude for all your words.
Lex, you know how I feel about you, but i gotta say again how gosh darn proud of you i am for being such a voice and inspiration to others
loves you!
I have not been a victim of sexual violence, but several members of my family have been. I also feel proud of women who have the courage and strength to discuss their experiences. I also think it’s a sign of taking your power back.
In regards to reading fics that deal with rape . . . What draws me to them is that each of them that I have read have ultimately been stories of healing. Who doesn’t need healing at some point or another?!
You are an amazing person to share something as personal as this with the fandom. I have known two people who have been in the same position.
One was a friend who also retreated into herself and dropped every friend she ever made includng me. It hurt me deeply because we had known each other for years. And because of her past she also broke my closest friends heart. She showed up to my babyshower uninvited, but I could not bring myself to speak to her.
The other is my sister-in-law. At the time I did not know her, but the guy who did that horrid thing to her is still out there as well. He does not know that he now has a daughter, a beautiful 9 year old fashion diva with her life ahead of her. A miracle that came from the worst place.
Some people do not know this about me and anyone who reads this comment will now know. I was once dating a guy- my fiance actually- who would not take no for an answer. He kept pushing the subject on “getting some” and still I said no. So he came to my house. He did not force himself on me, but as much as he was “begging” he might as well have. In the end I felt I had no choice but to give in, but my heart was not in it. Which turned out to be the downfall of our relationship. I read somewhere (I can’t remember where) that that is also a form of rape. I have also been sexually harrassed and talk about the injustice in the way that was handled. Instead of the guy being removed from the class; I was removed.
I am glad you felt you could share this; and from what I have seen the response you are getting is amazing! If someone has left an unkind word; it was likely done while I was typing this.
Bless you!
I respect you so much for being brave enough to put this out there. It’s a huge step to take and I’m in awe of your inner strength. <3
Rape fantasies are quite common, apparently. I think somewhere I read they are like the number one fantasy women have. Um, not this woman. But for those who do fantasize about it, again, fantasy isn’t reality. In a fantasy, you don’t get an STD or pregnant or beat up. The reality of violence in relationships isn’t pretty and though in many rape cases there is no relationship, there is also nothing sexual or sexy about it. I’ve never understood how a woman can fantasize about being overpowered and violated. It’s horrifying to consider.
Lexie, I’m not sure you know how impressive it is that you could write about this. And I also wonder how many women will read what you wrote and feel empowered by your bravery, how many will begin to heal because of what you’ve done. We should be thanking you.
Lex, thank you so, so much for being brave enough to share this with all of us. Know that you can call, email, text, gchat or YIM me anytime you want to talk.
And yes, you do write a delicious lemon.
Meesh – In regard to rape fantasies, I think it’s probably more the “being dominated” aspect of it than anything that’s the fantasy. No woman would seriously want the reality of being demeaned/abused like that. Sometimes fantasy & reality are two entirely seperate entities. For example, I fantasize on occasion about being single & childless again, but I would never actually wish my children away. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but it’s the only example I could think of.
-Kari
I do get what you mean, and I agree. It’s the domination, someone having total control of you. I just don’t understand that fantasy. Losing control of my body is a nightmare for me. I’m too dominant to be able to lie back and let someone “have his way”, and that trait actually saved me from being raped when I was in high school. A guy tried, but he couldn’t because I fought back so hard. That isn’t to say that women who are raped don’t fight back or fight back hard enough. I was lucky. The guy who tried it with me a) didn’t have a weapon and b) had no idea of the hornets’ nest he was stirring. He was an amateur without a plan. I think he thought I’d just cave, so when I fought back (tried to scratch his eyes out), there was nothing he could do. I know how lucky I am that this guy wasn’t better at raping, that he wasn’t experienced, that he hadn’t thought it out. But at that moment, I realized that there was no way I would ever want to be helpless in any situation and the rest of my life has been fighting to control my little part of my world, my body being the biggest part of that.
So when I say women have rape fantasies (and that is the number 1 fantasy named), I know they don’t really want to be raped. But I can’t begin to comprehend wanting to be overpowered and at the mercy of someone, not even someone I love. I don’t like being vulnerable.
Oh, and some women do want to be abused and demeaned. BDSM is built on a system of men and women who want to be abused/demeaned/dominated being paired with men and women who abuse/demean/dominate. That’s not all it is, but there is definitely a group of people who love to be abused and demeaned, and will pay good money to get it.
The only thing I have to add is that y’all know my stance on BDSM. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I probably know a bit more than the average bear. If anyone has any questions, feel free to shoot me an email or PM me over in the forums.