Why women are their own worst enemies – by KariAnn

Posted by Saluki in Blood Donors (guest blogs) | 5 comments

by KariAnn

Slut, whore, skank, easy, dirty…

As females (which I assume most of you are), we’ve all been called one of those degrading terms by a man at one point or another in our lives.  And if you haven’t, well, that probably means that you’re still very young and/or sheltered, but chances are you will.

But doesn’t it just chap your ass?  And I’m sure I don’t need to state that the reason it’s so damn infuriating is because there’s this outrageous double standard in regard to male and female sexuality.  After all, it’s commonly expected and even encouraged that “boys will be boys” and will “sow their wild oats,” but girls are expected to be the ones to set the sexual boundaries, say “no,” and guard their virtues like it’s Alcatraz.  And if they don’t?  And especially – God forbid – if they’re the seducer rather than the seduce-ee?   Well, those girls are sluts, whores, and various other colorful phrases with negative sexual implications.

Men who engage in sexually promiscuous behavior, on the other hand, are referred to in terms with more positive connotations, such as player or womanizer. Those terms imply that a male with multiple sexual partners is someone to be desired by women and envied by other men – the exact opposite of the associations of the word slut for a woman. After all, what self-respecting woman wants to be labeled a slut?  Okay, granted, I’ve seen the term manwhore quite a bit lately, which is supposed to portray male promiscuity in a negative light, but it doesn’t quite have the same affect somehow…

Now, as a woman who served a four-year enlistment in the United States Navy, I’ve personally witnessed this double standard in action, on many occasions.  All I wanted was to be one of “the boys.”   And being one of “the boys” required behaving like one, which often meant having sex with people and pretending afterward that they didn’t matter; that the sex didn’t matter.

I was a slut.  A whore.  A skank.  Or so I was told.

In actuality, I was one very confused, lonely young woman who was also clinically depressed and wanted desperately to belong.  And as a result, I ended up with a damaged reputation and an even more damaged self-image.

And what does any of this have to do with vampires or fanfiction or fandom, you ask?  Well, I was just getting to that.  I don’t know how many of you out there follow my fic In Pursuit of Normalcy, but in it, Nessie is a very confused, conflicted young woman who finds out that her soul mate wanted to murder her when she was just a baby, and then while she’s struggling to deal with that, she finds herself drawn to vampire who happens to be a part of the Volturi.

Well, long story short, in my current chapters, Nessie is in captivity, struggling with Jacob’s supposed death, dealing with a pregnancy and all the hormones that come with it, and is most likely a victim of Stockholm’s syndrome.  In my latest update, Nessie’s conflicting emotions come to a head, and it looks like she’s about to do something that she might regret later.

Did I expect some readers not to like the chapter?  Sure.  Did I expect vicious responses toward me that border on personal attacks?  Certainly not.  But then, I suppose it’s not that surprising, really.  And while I definitely wasn’t surprised by some of the harsh things that some readers had to say about my Ness, I was nevertheless appalled (and I’m not going to bother posting the comments directed toward me personally – just the ones about Nessie’s supposed sluttiness):

“There is only so far you can push the Stockholm thing. After a while it just comes across as Nessie being a slut. After all this is not only the man who murdered her husband, but the same man she’s already proven herself to be a whore for. I guess she doesn’t care who she lies with.”

“Does his wife have to further violate his memory by lusting after the vampire that killed him? And ultimately the vampire her whore ass rubbed up on in Hawaii?”

Do you want to know what’s worse than being labeled a whore and a slut by a man?  Being labeled one by another woman. And yes, I’m only making an assumption that these reviewers are women.

Really, my Nessie’s “sluttiness” is neither here nor there.  Clearly, that’s not the bigger issue here.  (Just so readers know, I’m only using my own fic as an example because it’s what got me thinking about the topic in the first place.)

No, the real issue here is the judgmental attitude that I’ve observed that women seem to have toward one another.  Ever heard that phrase about being your own worst critic?  That’s not actually true.  Other women are your harshest critics.  Take my Nessie, for example.  In point of fact, the only sexual partner that she’s had in my fic is Jacob.  So if Nessie’s a slut for just considering someone else, then there’s no word for what I am, given my sexual past.  Just sayin.’

Again, that’s just one example of females being overly harsh and judgmental toward one another.  Hell, just watch the Jerry Springer Show if you want to see some more of what I’m talking about.  “That’s my man, ho!” one girl screams as she and another have a throw-down, while the shrimpy little guy they’re fighting over stands off to the side (No offense to any shrimpy little guys who might be reading this).

I mean, HELLO?  What about the guy?  HE’s the one you should both be pissed at!

In all seriousness, though, when women throw around words like whore and slut, it perpetuates the unfair double standard of male and female sexuality and makes it okay for men to use those terms as well.  And that’s just not cool.

And back to my Nessie example: She could be me.  I honestly can’t say that I would make better decisions in her place.  In fact, I know I haven’t always made very good choices (obviously).  And I don’t think any woman could ever truly know how she would act in any given situation unless she’s been there.

Ladies, let’s not be so quick to judge each other (or our fictional counterparts – I mean, perfect Mary Sues are boring anyway), and let’s take words like slut and whore out of our vocabularies.