The Undead vs. the Undead
I was walking through the local Barnes and Noble the other day and almost walked right by the “buy 2 get one free” table. Those tables are typically killer for my budget so I try not to even look. I’m so glad I looked this time. There, sitting up front and center, was the book “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. I’ve never read one of this guy’s books before, but how can anyone walk away from a book with that title?
I’ve not yet read the book cover to cover, but wow, is it hilarious to me. It’s a real survival guide, with tips like “Stay in deep water. Preferably deeper than 12 feet. Any shallower and a zombie may be able to reach your boat.” People, this is a REAL survival guide, well thought out, with lists of gear, ways to survive in different areas, ways to escape. Oh, and the concept of zombie animals is complete myth. The virus that causes zombies will kill animals, but only humans can reanimate. That’s a good thing to know. I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this level of committment to something so farcical to be pee-your-pants funny?
This post isn’t really a book review, but I had to tell you about that book. I’m dying to read it and find out what other things I should be preparing in case of a zombie attack. I suggest we all be well prepared for this event.
So what is this post about? Who knows. Really, I was just thinking as I read bits and pieces of the book how two undead creatures can be so very different from one another. And what makes each one scary isn’t the same either. My six year old, Dylan, isn’t afraid of zombies at all, but vampires freak him out. Why? Aside from the fact that he knows both are mythical beings, he can give you a very logical argument for why vampires are scarier.
1. You can see a zombie coming. Vampires strike at night, when you’re sleeping. They can appear out of thin air (or so it seems) so you can’t defend against them really. Sure, there are vampire repellants (his words), but a vampire who wants your blood will get it eventually.
2. Zombies move slowly so you can outrun them. He also understands the joke “I don’t have to be a fast runner. I just have to not be the slowest runner.” He did tell me if we were attacked by zombies, he wouldn’t trip me or anything. I thought that was very sweet of him.
3. Zombies are easier to stop. They might not be easy to kill, but if you can cut off their legs, they can’t walk to get you and if you cut off their arms, they won’t be able to hold you to eat you. Vampires don’t have such weaknesses. Since they can poof in and out, without notice, you can’t prepare for the staking or the decapitation (yes, my son does talk like this – he is, after all, my son).
4. You can still escape a zombie even if he gets his icky hands on you. With a vampire, once they have you, you’re good as food. Zombies are clumsy and they move really slowly, so if you can wiggle and wriggle enough, you can get away from them. Vampires hold you with mind tricks and there’s nothing you can do about it.
So you see, zombies are much safer to have around than vampires. They’re just dumb, hungry vessels who act on instinct. Vampires are intelligent and can come up with a plan.
At the end of any discussion about zombies, my son will whisper, like he’s telling me something secret, “Mom, you know they aren’t real, right?” I think when he can’t tell fantasy from reality, I’ll worry, but for now, it’s just mind blowing for me to have such intellectual conversations about the pros and cons of vampires vs. zombies with a little kid. Do you suppose I should be concerned about having these types of conversations with a six year old?
Just to update, Dylan has usurped my zombie book. He’s very excitedly planning to train to become one of the swat team members who stay behind to fight what he lovingly referred to as the “living dead”. I have no idea how long it will take him to read my book. Damn smart 6 year olds. He shouldn’t be able to read my stuff!
I have to say, he is a real hoot to live with. Knowing that these things aren’t real, he still sat around thinking enough about them to talk for a long time about how he sees things in the undead world.
Oh, and definitely get the book. OMG, it’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Did you know that you’re 5 times more likely to die during a zombie attack if you’re in an urban area? Who knew?
This post had me laughing out loud at work. One, I must acquire this book because I don’t want to be on the short end of the stick when zombies attack. And, if this book is any indication, it is almost a foregone conclusion that they will.
Secondly, your son has a great grasp of zombies versus vampires. I just love hearing all the Dylanisms you share with us! His rationalization as to why vampires are scarier than zombies has me rethinking my love of the fanged species. Well, maybe not all of the fanged species…