Losing the Writing Mo-Jo

Posted by CFmom Lisa in Columns, Lisa's Laundry List | 6 comments

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks trying to decide how to word my article for this month. Real life has thrown me a few curve balls over the last year or so, and I have found that writing has become much more difficult for me. This is disconcerting as writing has always been my safe place. It’s the soothing balm I rely upon when my mind needs that break away from the events of my real life, or even when my mind wants to forever capture the events of my real life. So when I’m struggling to find the words to capture the stories and thoughts that I hear in my head all the time I feel…well….lost. And I don’t do the whole “lost damsel in distress” very well at all. I’m a fighter.

When I started writing the story that’s currently giving me great amounts of frustration to finish, it was a never ending thrill ride. The ideas poured out of my brain almost faster than I could type them out. I lived and breathed my story. It took over my dreams, and filled many hours of my conscious day as well. I was bubbly with excitement and enthusiasm. It was like one big constant high. Then two things happened almost simultaneously that brought that creative thrill to an ear piercing, screeching halt. My work situation changed, and my story was very, very close to its end.

The change in my work situation was supposed to be an awesome opportunity to free up a lot more time for me to write, and in theory it was. But here’s a little secret that no one told me: changing from working in an office to working in a home office isn’t as fabulous as it sounds. Sure, I can work in my pajamas if I feel like it, but I also have to be disciplined enough to get my work done, and stay on task regardless of the multitude of interruptions that invariably make up my day. Now, please understand that I’m a highly focused person as well as a great multi-tasker. No, that isn’t bragging. It’s just a fact. Sometimes I think it might actually be my curse because talking on the phone, typing up a press release, checking the calendar for availability dates on appointments, arranging and then rearranging freight shipments for my designer’s installation dates on projects, planning and starting dinner, keeping up with laundry, checking the kids homework, and keeping my two big noisy dogs quiet - all at the same time - is really something like a super power; a super power that has served me very well in my life. Having this ability to multi-task however, also means that I should be able to keep any story that I’m working on in my “free time” always open on my desktop so that I can type a word/sentence/paragraph, etc. here and there all throughout the day. After all, it’s what I did when I actually worked in an office, right?

From my home office? Yeah, not so much. Somehow, now that I have all this “free time” to write what I want to write, when I want to write it, I find myself struggling with even a single word. Perhaps it’s the mental block that my story is ending and I’m not ready for that even though I’ve known how it ends since the beginning. Or maybe it’s that I’m feeling the need to prove that I’m working harder now than I did in an office to justify that I am actually working when I’m at my desk at home and not sitting on the sofa eating bons bons all day. Perhaps it’s the fear that once I finish the fanfic story then I will no longer have the excuse to not write the original that I’ve been talking about for years, therefore leaving no chance at the original work being rejected. Or maybe I’m just emotionally run down and can’t find the energy I need to be creative. Whatever the reason, I feel I’ve lost the mo-jo and enthusiasm I once had for my story. And honestly? That just sucks. I love my story. I don’t care how egotistical that may sound, I truly love my story. I’ve been re-reading it in an attempt to recapture the enthusiasm I felt, and it was working. I was excited again. Then an unexpected real life event happened. I found out I was pregnant. You have to understand that not only do I turn 40 in a few weeks (yes, I’m an old bitch around here), but I was also told that it would be virtually impossible for me to become pregnant without the fertility treatments we used to become pregnant with the two children that I have. So to say the pregnancy was a shocker is an understatement. An absolute joy, but a shock nonetheless. There would be ten years between my youngest and this new baby. Wow. But surprise or not – we were overjoyed at the idea of another baby. The miscarriage that followed almost immediately after the discovery of the pregnancy brought that joy to an immediate stop - much like hitting a brick wall at 60 miles an hour.

Talk about an extreme emotional high followed by a rapid drop to an extreme emotional low. Can I get off this bi-polar express now, please? I didn’t buy a ticket for this ride, and I really detest roller coasters. I don’t admit any of this as a plea for pity. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason – even if it all seems to suck in the here and now. And it does suck. But I’ll be okay. I’m still trying to find the silver lining in it somewhere. Anywhere. And it lieu of that silver lining making an appearance I’d really love to be able to focus on the “imaginary worlds” in my head for a little while each day. The problem is that I can’t seem to get through to them. At least not like I used to. It used to be effortless.

So now when I really need the diversion of my creative writing brain to focus my emotions on something else – I can’t seem to find my mo-jo. I’m hoping that if I continue reading back through my story it will help. It’s been six months since I last updated, which I realize is a lifetime in the fanfic world, so the pregnancy and miscarriage aren’t the only things that have held up the writing process for me, but rather just the latest in a series of unfortunate events. I need my soothing balm back. Still, how do I not put the pressure on myself to just finish it already? I know for a fact that forcing the writing will result in not only material that sucks, but will also result in material that isn’t true to the way the story is supposed to go. How do I sit in front of this screen and not feel like a defective typewriter? It’s bad enough that I feel my body is defective (yes, I realize my body is not defective however, it does feel that way at the moment), but now my creativy is failing me? All those thoughts that I need are here in my head, but I can’t get my brain to effectively communicate with my fingers – which is almost as stupid as it sounds. Where do I restock on my mo-jo juice so that I can feel normal again?

Has anyone else had this happen? The ideas are there but won’t come out? How did you go about fixing it?

Until next time,
~Lisa