Are You Talking To Me?

Posted by CFmom Lisa in Columns, Lisa's Laundry List | 2 comments

Have you ever read an article, book, blog, etc. that hit on something that had been running through your mind at exactly the same time? It’s like sitting in church and the message of the sermon becomes so personal you just know the preacher is talking directly to you. It can be creepy, or it can be a relief. An “Oh my God, I’m not alone…” kind of moment, and really, that relief can be an absolute welcome when we need it the most.

I recently had that experience with one of the columns here on MVF. Sandy wrote an article “Squeezing Blood From A Turnip” that really just hit the nail on the head for what I was going through with my own writing at that moment. As I’ve stated before in previous postings, I’m having a hard time with finding my writing mo-jo. It’s something that’s extremely frustrating, and if I’m honest with myself (and everyone else) it has even thrown me into a bit of a depressive dark pit. It’s not the only reason that I find myself in this dark pit, but it’s certainly one of the contributing factors. For me, writing has always been the creative outlet for my emotions. Happy, sad, silly, serious – my writing is an accurate reflection my emotional well-being. And now that I’m struggling to write? Well, let’s just say my emotional well-being isn’t exactly well; at least it wasn’t. It’s better now.

When I read Sandy’s article, I thought for sure there were hidden cameras in my house. Somehow she was absolutely talking to me when she mentioned never giving up, never getting rid of old story ideas, or unfinished works. I sat up straighter as I read, and even looked over my shoulder a few times. Could this have been just a coincidence? The timing was perfect. About a week before I read her article I had been wracking my brain for a way to wake up my muse and jump start my writing again. I didn’t want to force it, but I was reaching a point where I knew I desperately needed it. I felt that if I could just find my way back to writing then it would help me also find the strength to start pulling myself out of the dark and depressive pit that seemed to be getting deeper all the time. I have some three ring binders that hold most of the stuff I’ve written since childhood. I didn’t know that the folder on my computer that has my story ideas, scenes, snippets of conversations, character outlines, etc. was called a story start file, but thanks to Sandy – I now know that’s what it is. I also have a folder (part three ring binder and part digital computer folder) that holds almost all the stories of a series that I wrote eleven years ago, and it was there that I had decided to start trying to wake up my muse.

I pulled out the series that I wrote in 2001, and slowly, hesitantly read through it for the first time in years. I transcribed the portions that I only had a paper copy of into my computer. I laughed, I cried, and I cringed – a lot. In 2001, the comma and I weren’t friends – hell, I’d even go so far as to say we were practically strangers. Paragraphs and I also didn’t appear to get along very well, the evidence of this glaring at me from the many one page paragraphs I was reading. Yikes! Yes, I can say this now and smile. Seeing the growth I’ve made from then to now not only surprised me, it also inspired me. The muse stretched and let out a loud yawn.

I read more. I transcribed more. I found myself completely drawn right back into that time and that place with those characters. I found myself excited again, and I found myself extremely grateful that I had kept this series of stories. I never thought they would see the light of day again. It was a soap opera of sorts that I had finished working on a long time ago. Those characters, while thought of fondly, were gone; their stories told; their voices long silenced. And yet, as I sat there reading and transcribing it reminded me about why I need to write. Writing has a way of calming the emotional beast that lives inside me. Everyone has their own way of taming that beast. We all deal with our emotions in different ways and for me it’s always been writing. The overflow inside me bleeds from my fingertips to the page or keyboard and creates something. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it will make me laugh until my sides ache, but always – always – it heals something within my soul. Sandy’s article helped me realize why I never throw away any of the things I write. Long after the need for whatever I needed to get written down has passed, the memory of that moment remains. And memories carry their own weight and power.

I also need to thank my best friend, Jen. Her birthday was another reason that I pulled out the old series from 2001 and decided to take another look. She didn’t know me then, and she’d never read any of those stories. We talk about the characters in my head often enough that where it all started was a journey that I wanted her to experience with me. I gave her the only copy in existence outside of my own copy, and then waited. Jen is my biggest cheerleader and supporter when it comes to my writing (aside from my own husband who is hands down the most supportive and amazing man I know), but she also tells me the truth. We agreed, with much laughter, that my writing has come a long way since 2001. She would ask questions about details in the stories, and I would answer them as easily as if I was writing it right now. It felt good digging back into the creative feeling that spawned those stories. And I think we can agree that I smile more now than I did a few months ago. I may not be fully back to writing yet, at least not on my stories, but the muse is awake and she’s watching.

Thank goodness I never threw any of the old stories, poems, songs, and journals away. Going back through and reading things I’ve written throughout my life is cheaper than a therapist, and reminds me that I’m stronger than the obstacles life might throw my way. I’m a writer, read me roar. ;)

Until next time,

~Lisa