Did You Hear Me?

Posted by CFmom Lisa in Featured, Lisa's Laundry List | 6 comments

What’s a common complaint in relationships? Doesn’t matter if it’s a marriage, a partnership, a friendship, a work relationship, child and parent – you name it and a common theme when discussing problems will be: “They never listen to me!”

Listening is a skill that takes work. Sometimes we listen with only half of our brain; the other half gets distracted by our surroundings, by what we want to say when the other person takes a breath, or simply because our ability to pay close attention when someone else is speaking is less than ideal. Face it, a lot of us love to talk. And there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you listen when other people talk too. I like to think that I’m a good listener, but even I can admit that I’m guilty of only half listening some of the time. I’m a multi-tasking addict, so I always figure I can listen while doing other things. But I can’t. Not always. And that’s just sad because everyone deserves to be listened to – completely – not just half-assed.

There’s a saying: You were given two ears and one mouth so that you could listen twice as much as you talk. Yeah, that’s also known as listening holistically. Now, what I mean by listening holistically has nothing to do with religion. No, what I mean is listening without being judgmental. It’s an opportunity to get a better understanding of the situation in front of us and see a well-rounded picture of what’s being revealed through conversation. It helps us become better thinkers, and it also helps us become better writers. No, really it does.

If you really try listening with your full attention it will help broaden your capacity to see an issue from multiple points of view, not just from one, or even two. You know how they say that there are two sides to every story, right? Well, that’s not quite accurate. There are several sides to every story. Please understand that I’m not saying that this kind of listening is easy. Like I said earlier, to actively and fully listen to someone takes work. I’m not sure we’re hard wired for it automatically. Most of us need to consciously practice it because our natural tendencies are to filter out what we don’t agree with the moment we hear it. And really, that’s a shame, because there’s so much to learn and benefit from when listening to different opinions.

Try an experiment. The next time you’re having a conversation, make a special effort to focus 100% of your attention to what the other person is saying – especially if their opinion on the subject matter is different from yours. Being a good listener is an art, and like all art it has to be nurtured and practiced. As writers, we often talk about how our characters talk to us. Do we really listen to everything they’re saying? I know I haven’t in the past, and you know what? They stop talking when I do that. I’ve lost some potentially awesome characters and stories that way. Imagine if the flesh and blood people in my life did that every time I didn’t fully listen to them? I might find myself in a world of silence. How scary is that?

Until next time,

~Lisa